I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
They took my balls.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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