Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
