I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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