Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
