He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
