I wish life had little blips of pornography
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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