if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
