A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
