I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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