true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I am midnight drunk by noon
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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