sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
