the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
