apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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