You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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