It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
