Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
