I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
