We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
