Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Im just a social blackout drinker.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
