i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
