whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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