TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
