the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
