Im at strip club and am horny
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
