overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
