I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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