i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
