plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
