Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
