When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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