If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
