I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
