i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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