I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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