how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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