its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
