your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
