my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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