Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
