My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
