ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
