based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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