I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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