let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
