So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
