im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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