I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
