my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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