My liver just broke up with me...
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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