Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
