just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
