worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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