i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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