At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Rumble strips road head = magical
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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